The Abuser’s New Girlfriend

So this morning a good friend and I were just generally talking about domestic violence , and an important question came up. ” Can you date someone that has abused an ex before?”. By the way my answer is NO, and so we started playing all the what if scenarios.

“Ok so what if he has gone through some form of rehabilitation, therapy or couselling?”, Hmmm, very good question. At least he is actively doing something to get help. ” What if  he has found Jesus since then?”. I mean we are supposed to believe by doing so he has become a new creature and old things have passed away and as Christains we should be forgiving. But at the same time this particular scenario has killed many people. “God has not called us to be marytrs in that kind of way,” were my friend’s words . 

​”What if it was a particlarily turbulent time in his life, maybe he just lost his mother?.” Ok, so what happens when his father, sister, brother, or child dies. “What if it only happened once? All you need is once for someone to hit and kill you . Again, in case you are wondering, my answer to all these questions is still NO. 

Psalm 11:5 New International Version (NIV)

5 The Lord examines the righteous,
    but the wicked, those who love violence,
    he hates with a passion.

You see I personally think that God has not designed us for any for any form of violence, irrespective of what the relationship is, sibling, friends, spouse or random person. The Bible refers to us as His masterpiece therefore nobody deserves to be treated like crap. 

While I was doing a bit of research on this post I came about something interesting on Hidden hurt forum, where one of the contibutors low-key wants her ex’s new girlfriend to experience the same abuse so that she’ll be validated.  Don’t act surprised.  Many of us have had ill feelings toward our ex’s new girlfriend.

Exerpts from the forum below 

“…is it normal to not want him to do the same but want him to do the same to help make you feel you weren’t to blame?’

She is perfect for him as her life will easily be able to revolve around his, the way he likes it. Her not having children may be an issue because he definitely will not want more but that’s not my problem lol, my problem is why do I want him to do the same to her? The constant criticism, the manipulative behaviour, the shouting, calling me horrible names and making me feel so inadequate and worthless-I shouldn’t want anyone to go through what I went through, especially the level of violence that finally ended things. I know he cannot change; I was warned he was a bully by his ex wife’s friends, and I think he was worse with me than her. It’s been very hard at work because I feel that mutual colleagues have gossiped and, you know what people are like, judged in that ‘did he/didn’t he’ way that people do.

​So it feels like people will say ‘oh look at him, he’s so happy now, he’s got a lovely woman, she (me) must’ve either been lying or has issues’.


​​Which brings about my concluding question. Do you think the onus is on the ex of an abuser to tell the new girlfriend about his abusive nature? Even at the risk of sounding jealous and bitter. If you were the new girlfriend of an alleged abuser, would you be interested in hearing from the ex and would it affect your decision to date him?

Can you just imagine if we actually had that kind of network and support system? Let me know what you think in the comment section.

Hugs and Kisses,

Dami Adeniyi 

Please if you are in an abusive relationship, your life is worth way more than the shame. Please get help at www.thehotline.org #Saynotoviolence 

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No Comments
  1. Fope says

    Onus – as in responsibility? Don’t think so. It’d require her to be up in her abuser’s business to know when he gets a new girlfriend. Also, there’s a small chance that he could have changed since then.
    I doubt there’s one right way to go about this thing.

  2. Dami Adeniyi says

    Thank you Fope for your feedback! You have a good point there .The New girlfriend has a responsibility to do her own research.

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