“The central attitudes driving Mr. Right are: You should be in awe of my intelligence and should look up to me intellectually. I know better than you do, even about what’s good for you. Your opinions aren’t worth listening to carefully or taking seriously. The fact that you sometimes disagree with me shows how sloppy your thinking is. If you would just accept that I know what’s right, our relationship would go much better. Your own life would go better, too. When you disagree with me about something, no matter how respectfully or meekly, that’s mistreatment of me. If I put you down for long enough, someday you’ll see.” ― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
“The woman knows from living with the abusive man that there are no simple answers. Friends say: “He’s mean.” But she knows many ways in which he has been good to her. Friends say: “He treats you that way because he can get away with it. I would never let someone treat me that way.” But she knows that the times when she puts her foot down the most firmly, he responds by becoming his angriest and most intimidating. When she stands up to him, he makes her pay for it—sooner or later. Friends say: “Leave him.” But she knows it won’t be that easy. He will promise to change. He’ll get friends and relatives to feel sorry for him and pressure her to give him another chance. He’ll get severely depressed, causing her to worry whether he’ll be all right. And, depending on what style of abuser he is, she may know that he will become dangerous when she tries to leave him. She may even be concerned that he will try to take her children away from her, as some abusers do.” ― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men.
” You can’t keep her in a cage, clip her wings, tell her lies, say that fragile birds were never meant to fly. Watch her leave behind a rusted door, latched tight, her spirit slipping away so you can keep her in sight. Beautiful creatures cannot be confined. Her wings will grow, she’ll find the sky” — Christy Ann Martine.
“The abuser’s mood changes are especially perplexing. He can be a different person from day to day, or even from hour to hour. At times he is aggressive and intimidating, his tone harsh, insults spewing from his mouth, ridicule dripping from him like oil from a drum. When he’s in this mode, nothing she says seems to have any impact on him, except to make him even angrier. Her side of the argument counts for nothing in his eyes, and everything is her fault. He twists her words around so that she always ends up on the defensive. As so many partners of my clients have said to me, “I just can’t seem to do anything right.” At other moments, he sounds wounded and lost, hungering for love and for someone to take care of him. When this side of him emerges, he appears open and ready to heal. He seems to let down his
“The abuser’s mood changes are especially perplexing. He can be a different person from day to day, or even from hour to hour. At times he is aggressive and intimidating, his tone harsh, insults spewing from his mouth, ridicule dripping from him like oil from a drum. When he’s in this mode, nothing she says seems to have any impact on him, except to make him even angrier. Her side of the argument counts for nothing in his eyes, and everything is her fault. He twists her words around so that she always ends up on the defensive. As so many partners of my clients have said to me, “I just can’t seem to do anything right.” At other moments, he sounds wounded and lost, hungering for love and for someone to take care of him. When this side of him emerges, he appears open and ready to heal. He seems to let down his guard, his hard exterior softens, and he may take on the quality of a hurt child, difficult and frustrating but lovable. Looking at him in this deflated state, his partner has trouble imagining that the abuser inside of him will ever be back. The beast that takes him over at other times looks completely unrelated to the tender person she now sees. Sooner or later, though, the shadow comes back over him, as if it had a life of its own. Weeks of peace may go by, but eventually, she finds herself under assault once again. Then her head spins with the arduous effort of untangling the many threads of his character until she begins to wonder whether she is the one whose head isn’t quite right.” ― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
“Acts of psychological abuse include berating or humiliating the victim; interrogating the victim; restricting the victim’s ability to come and go freely; obstructing the victim’s access to assistance (e.g., law enforcement; legal, protective, or medical resources); threatening the victim with physical harm or sexual assault; harming, or threatening to harm, people or things that the victim cares about; unwarranted restriction of the victim’s access to or use of economic resources; isolating the victim from family, friends, or social support resources; stalking the victim; and trying to make the victim think that he or she is crazy.” ― Donald W. Black, DSM-5 Guidebook: The Essential Companion to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders
“The abusive man’s high entitlement leads him to have unfair and unreasonable expectations so that the relationship revolves around his demands. His attitude is: “You owe me.” For each ounce he gives, he wants a pound in return. He wants his partner to devote herself fully to catering to him, even if it means that her own needs—or her children’s—get neglected. You can pour all your energy into keeping your partner content, but if he has this mindset, he’ll never be satisfied for long. And he will keep feeling that you are controlling him because he doesn’t believe that you should set any limits on his conduct or insist that he meet his responsibilities.” ― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
“I am living in hell from one day to the next. But there is nothing I can do to escape. I don’t know where I would go if I did. I feel utterly powerless, and that feeling is my prison. I entered of my own free will, I locked the door, and I threw away the key.” ― Haruki Murakami
Haruki Murakami indeed put words into how I felt in those days… I felt eternally trapped. I had long stopped living, I was always in survival mode. I was always grateful and looking for those peaceful, honeymoon phases that follow after the abusive episodes… I just wanted to live in a healthy and conducive environment. I cared less about anything else, I just want to be myself and be happy. I wanted to be loved and respected… to be cherished and adored for a woman that I am. I was too manly for my liking… I was playing the roles of both gender in my home, and I was wearing out fast.
“YOUR ABUSIVE PARTNER DOESN’T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH HIS ANGER; HE HAS A PROBLEM WITH YOUR ANGER.
One of the basic human rights he takes away from you is the right to be angry with him. No matter how badly he treats you, he believes that your voice shouldn’t rise and your blood shouldn’t boil. The privilege of rage is reserved for him alone. When your anger does jump out of you—as will happen to any abused woman from time to time—he is likely to try to jam it back down your throat as quickly as he can. Then he uses your anger against you to prove what an irrational person you are. Abuse can make you feel straitjacketed. You may develop physical or emotional reactions to swallowing your anger, such as depression, nightmares, emotional numbing, or eating and sleeping problems, which your partner may use as an excuse to belittle you further or make you feel crazy.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
“Given the choice between the experience of pain and nothing, I would choose pain.” ― William Faulkner
We as human beings will at any time choose pleasure over pain, and I am no different. I want pleasure and all the good things of life. I dreamed of a life in which all around me would be perfect, one in which I would love and be loved in return. A life where I would share my dreams and life aspirations with a loving man, with whom I would build a beautiful family as we made our home a haven. I tried all I could to make these dreams come true, even to the detriment of my own life. When it seemed I could as well wake up from my fantasy land, and smell the bitter coffee that has been handed over to me. I felt I could not bear this cross, and I thought of giving it all up! I thought to myself “if the man that I thought would wipe away the pains of my youth and make me forget the sorrows of my childhood believes I am good for nothing, then, I might as well fade out his life”. My ex never failed to remind me that I was the greatest mistake he made, that I am not in-disposable, and made sure it sank well into my brain that I am worthless. I slowly but surely began to believe him as I lost my sense of identity. I remember vividly that after he must have beaten me and called me all sorts of names, I would usually be on my knees pleading with agony for him to please forgive me. I eventually thought “what if I just commit suicide and get out of this man’s life”. Maybe he would be happier and more fulfilled. He constantly told me what an achiever he was and that he had a beautiful future before I came to his life. I would pray and fast. I tried hard to be closer to God and be more and more like Jesus.